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Ripply

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We’ve had so much rain this summer, it seems unreal. The water in our reservoir lake is so high, higher than I ever remember for this late in the season, and I watch the current run into the cove outside my back door. My husband calls nightly as he heads home from work and asks, “How’s the lake?” to which I seem to always reply, “Ripply.”

There’s a stirring inside me no different than these waters, a current that pushes forward, that makes it difficult for others to navigate. I am at this place we never want to acknowledge, as if saying it out-loud with words is admitting some mortal sin. We can’t help the ticking of time no more than we can control the movement of water in this vast lake. It moves with the seasons. And gravity. And I still don’t want to say it.

My youngest starts high school next week, her older brother a senior, and my first born, he’ll be off to college a week after that. My husband started working for himself a year ago. Though I recognize that they still need me, they don’t need me as much. The heartbreak rolls in on me in waves and crushes me, but little bubbles of gratitude and hope and love raise me up and keep me afloat. This is how it is supposed to be. And I am so blessed for all of it, every last drop of it. I am humbled to have shared this much with them, to have affected them in ways that I could, and to have had them teach me. I know unconditional love, learned how to sacrifice, and practiced patience, and I am better for it.

My job assignment is almost over and the next, about to begin.

A wise woman said to me recently, “Use this time to discover what you love… what really excites you and brings you joy. And when your little one starts driving, immerse yourself in that.”

My days are long and my nights, sleepless.

I try to imagine the next part. I plan. Then I make back-up plans. It could be an exciting time, one in which I rewrite myself, like a second chance. I think about this:

and this:

and this {click on button} :

And I float in this ambiguity, dipping under in doubt and despair, and joyfully rising up with a breath of hope.

 

 

Where will these waters flow?

What should I do next?

 

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This project, Pearls for Girls, is leading to all sorts of exciting things. I think there was a plan and a reason for which I was drawn to do this. Please drop by and leave Marla a note of encouragement.

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Also, please join me here of Fridays for the 1440 meme. It’s all about capturing a moment of beauty in life.

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bda
  • July 31, 2013 - 1:20 pm

    Molly - I watch mine grow every day. I am proud of them and happy they are slowly growing more and more independent. All I hope for them is happiness

    Mollyxxx

  • July 31, 2013 - 11:51 pm

    Patrice - It has been a very wet summer…

  • August 1, 2013 - 2:23 am

    Becky - No matter what season… They will always need you. I get it though. And the thought of change makes me ripple a bit :/

  • August 1, 2013 - 9:17 am

    Pieni lintu - Beautiful shot!

  • August 1, 2013 - 10:47 am

    Joan - I was watching those same ripples of change just a few years ago and DREADING post motherhood. And then something so unexpected happened…I found it to be another wonderful phase of life.
    Sounds like you have a good head start on that.

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