I bounded up the steps, excited to tell him how well my interview had gone, but even before I could knock on the door, he was standing there, blonde hair shining, smiling ear to ear. It still took my breath, this man who stole my heart in less than two weeks. And now, he was preparing to leave, to take my heart and go, to move to another state, another life. But I knew that from the beginning, so I drew in air and smiled, still happy to be here with him now. He held out his fist, and slowly uncurled his fingers. The palm of his hand glittered in the sunlight. I just wanted to get this for you; I wanted you to have it. To have something you could touch and remember and know how real this is when I’m not here. He clasped the necklace around my neck and I never took it off, not for showers, not for sleep, not for pools or lakes, not for years.
In that place between dreams and life, I hovered… My body weightless, my mind clear and present and focused on the moment as it unfolded. Light danced in front of me, little orbs and sparkles glinting off each other. It felt happy and light. Softly, I could hear my name drifting in and out of my awareness. Look what I found. I struggled to open my eyes as the light felt stronger and almost painful. And as I began to breathe in the day, finally aware that I was waking, aware that he was standing there at my side as always, I saw it. My necklace. Mysteriously lost from my neck and no where to be found, though I had turned the house upside down in search of, there it was, dangling from his finger, dancing in the morning sun as it streamed into our bedroom window. It was folded up in my tee shirts! I sat up and he sat in front of me, wrapped his arms around me as he draped it over my head, letting his arms fall into an embrace as the necklace fell around my neck, my morning affirmation, my gift of love.
It was Christmas, 1995. I know because it was the Christmas before my second child’s birth. Eight months pregnant, and Jordan playing at my feet, I peeled the paper from the small box and gently lifted the lid. A gold heart. A locket. I know how much you love these babies, and how hard it will be to be away from them. Now you can keep them in your heart, close to your heart, even when you’re not with them. And the locket slipped onto the necklace and the necklace, wrapped around my neck, until Baby Three came.
And it was Christmas, 1998, and we lived in Texas. He gathered the boys, three and two, around me and handed me a small box. They smiled at me, as excited as they would be to open their own package, and said, Open, mommy, open! And as I gently lifted the lid, another heart, another locket, glimmered up at me. I looked at him, a little confused, as my heart still hung around my neck, and he simply said, You needed more room for this one, as he touched my growing belly, the life inside of me.
For me, it is never the gift, but the love attached.
*****
love.
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